Day of reckoning

I sometimes think that the only way to get through a "cleansing" is by thinking of the only positive result it will have...weight loss. We're so obsessive over the subject, its the only thing that makes sense when you're undertaking a project that completely lacks any reasoning at all. So, it goes without saying that the first stage of this project is missing and obsessing over the loss of food choices. If I'm going to be physiologically weak, it will be exacerbated by the weakness I impose psychologically over the absence of eggs and cheese. Well, I fought off the temptation to get on the scale this morning. In a fantastical obsession to see rewards for just thinking about doing this project, I hoped to see a weight loss that would be equally irrational.

Last night was crazy. I had an incredible meal made by a friend's mother who travelled to the US from Iran. Her cooking was the perfect "last meal" before the onset of my insanity. I like these terms i use; they are negative with a purpose. I don't want to forget that i don't actually like this project or the act of getting into detoxification. I am merely trying to do this in as objective a fashion as possible, while spitting on the whole American agenda to lose weight and look great. Nevertheless, I am hopeful for an American beautified body that is inconceivable in this culture for a dark skinned woman like myself. I'm working it out.

I had my "elixir" this morning, and last night I read an article by a doctor who seriously rejects the whole process. He supported his attitude with a lot of science; his last word was to count calories. Period. Well, again, i am reticent about this stuff. I want the body, not the process. What's new? It a psychological mind-fuck. With 14 days to go, I am trying to think of how I will pass the time. Time suddenly is an issue. Its very much like a 14 day prison. How do you survive in jail? Will I get use to it? Will I start to like it? Will i be happier doing other things that look like more energy and more production? I'm already getting the feeling that this is going to get bad and really stupid. I'm already thinking I am not going to make it. Not because I can't, but because I hate false promises more than I hate small odds of success. This is already about the feeling of loss. And it already struggles with my position on truth. Philosophically, this health pursuit goes against every cultural lesson I've ever had to learn. Its completely foreign to me. And, my friend told me that it is nearly impossible to change the person that you are. I agree with him.

1:00am

This is the most difficult hour of the day; the evening is when I dream of popcorn and fats. I managed to make it through most of the day and a friend of mine is so encouraging, I am convinced I am doing something right. Still, the headaches and general feeling of malaise haunts me. I don't think I can see the future in this vein. Imagine a life of vegetables and fruits. I don't think so.