Day 14, 15 and 16

What a rocky end. On the one hand all I wanted to do on the last day of my detox was consume "bad" fat. On the other hand, I couldn't stand the heavy feeling. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the result. I weigh 205.5 now. I am nervous that now that I am off the restrictions, I will be consuming a lot of shit again and gain all the weight. To tell the truth, it is still the only motivation. The heavy feeling, I felt I could get used to again real soon. The health benefits didn't seep in. I had a salad last night more because i think I'll miss the restriction. I don't know. I think I will keep logging my changes until I fully understand its impact; if there is an impact. As for all my other work, well, I am trying to get my diss done along with my reviews. Its all a work in progress. I only have to lose 30 pounds to be where I want to be. The success of the project is countered by the belief that success is not really possible. Its more important for the latter to be true than to believe that I can achieve what i desire. I will have to rethink where and how these ideas developed. Its not merely a fear of disappointment. That is, I can believe that I will be disappointed if the latter is right, so I make the latter the rule. This way I pre-empt the disappointment. The other thing is when people remark that I have lost weight, I think I am uneasy. Its like a premonition to me that I will gain it back and the "glory" will fade, like the results. I don't like it when people notice changes in me. It makes me feel public and under a watchful eye. I like some invisibility. In my own private quarters I can be whatever i choose to be. I can enjoy my own progress and note the fragile and delicate balance that is necessary for the change. I am unesay when people say things to me because my relationship to these comments is old and precarious. In school i was the ugliest thing in the world, by other people's comments. In church I was very attractive and "hot." It all added up to my insanity. I detached from both in a fundamental way and started to seek other things more important and substantive to me. The, "you look great" comment is about the same as the "illlllllll" followed by laughter. I feel very uncomfortable when I am judged for my appearance. That's just another layer.

On day thirteen I had a tub of popcorn; on day fourteen I had ice cream and apple and blueberry crumb dessert; yesterday I had french fries. It seems to me that i won't just give up these splurges, and I wonder how long it will be before they consume all together. Before they become all I eat. We'll just have to see, Today I am feeling japanese, but i am tempted to have the tuna and mayo combo. I am thinking I can have the white rice that rolls are wrapped around, but the soy sauce will inevitably put weight on for tomorrow's measuring and i think that will be my downfall. Once I see the weight go up, I'll conclude that maintaining is pointless. Alas, my conundrum.