Day six - on to the beautiful

Well, its not that I have decided that this program makes me feel beautiful. On the contrary, I got on the scale in my usual obsessive manner this morning. I could not stand the fact that I was still 209 pounds, considering I am eating less that 1100 calories a day. In my frantic, this is about the weight loss, manner i began my usual pathological conversation: "its because you don't exercise; its because you're in long island and there is nothing to do; its because you ruined your metabolism when you were a kid; it could be worse if you stop smoking; its because God wants you to stay fat; its because you believe you are meant to be fat; its because your mind can not accept anything less than 200 pounds, it wants you to stay within the 206 to 209 range until it can push you towards three hundred, which is inevitable because you are supposed to be fat; etc.

See, the point is that I am not directed towards the beautiful. Its not that losing weight will make me beautiful, at least not the beauty i mean, but its about thinking positively; by beautiful, I guess I mean seeing myself within something beautiful. I question "what is beauty?" but more importantly, I believe in the unfortunate and the downtrodden. I mean I believe in it; its not just that I avoid it, or I think it exists if you fail to do certain things, I mean when i say "my mind goes crazy when the scale says I am still a certain weight" I mean that I come face to face with a certain truth about what i believe; that poverty is my destiny. By poverty I mean, that poor health, lack, and general loss of the beautiful are predestined qualities of my life. I was thinking about this post and how to write something that would make you the reader feel glad you met me. It occurred to me that if you are reading this, you must think I am just bitching all day and night and I have nothing to offer. I was thinking you would be right. Unfortunately, this is what i have to do to get to the bottom of my project. I have to understand whether this downtrodden, poverty stricken narrative came from me or was passed on from culture. And if there is a combination to the two, what can really change in a detox pr gram?

I'm sorry, please don't read anymore if its boring you or depressing. There aer many others out there that inspire. My job here is not to inspire, but to investigate why people need inspiration in the first place.

I did a very naughty thing; I cheated. I had a piece of decadent chocolate. It was outrageous, but it looked like a piece from the movie, Marie Antoinette, and i couldn't resist. It was sugar and pure fat, but oh what a joyous splurge! Now, its all about not losing myself. One piece is the death of me!