On a third day on three hours a meal

Its no big surprise..ok, it is...I have lost a pound and a half. let's face it, its all about recreating something that's gone. I've been thinking about what i looked like when i was in my late twenties. My body was smoking. Before the weight...at 164 pounds, I was really attractive. I want the weight back so i can look at that body again. I realize now that even if i lose the weight i will never have that body back. My breast are hanging, my ass has celulite. I am getting old. My skinn will hang off my arms because I have no musce tone, and almost never did, by the way. And so many stories have piled up about people who will be jealous and unhappy if i am successful at anything, it seems to me I have to get away from all this to like what i have now. The truth is, I look pretty ok now. even at 204.5 pounds. The every three hours rule isn't too bad; and i want to make it to the full 30 pounds off. I also need to go through some other pretty significant changes. I don't know.

A new plan with less resolve

Well, now that I have completed the detox portion of this project, I am now entering the eat healthy but every three hours stage. This one addresses the idea that you will drop weight and feel better and more energetic if you eat every three hours...about 100 - 250 cals/3 meals to 400 calls/ 2 meals. This is more of a calorie counting diet. And I have to admit, on this first day, that before I digested the last meal, I have to eat again, so I am a little leary about it. Although this one doesn't have the constraints my first fourteen days imposed. Supposedly, I'm supposed to drop weight painlessly and in bulk. Hmmm.

I prefer something like this which has only the one promise of weight loss. No promise that the obsession with the concept will make you a happier and more connected human being. The last word on the past few days? Binge! Let's see if I can do two weeks on this idea.

Day 14, 15 and 16

What a rocky end. On the one hand all I wanted to do on the last day of my detox was consume "bad" fat. On the other hand, I couldn't stand the heavy feeling. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the result. I weigh 205.5 now. I am nervous that now that I am off the restrictions, I will be consuming a lot of shit again and gain all the weight. To tell the truth, it is still the only motivation. The heavy feeling, I felt I could get used to again real soon. The health benefits didn't seep in. I had a salad last night more because i think I'll miss the restriction. I don't know. I think I will keep logging my changes until I fully understand its impact; if there is an impact. As for all my other work, well, I am trying to get my diss done along with my reviews. Its all a work in progress. I only have to lose 30 pounds to be where I want to be. The success of the project is countered by the belief that success is not really possible. Its more important for the latter to be true than to believe that I can achieve what i desire. I will have to rethink where and how these ideas developed. Its not merely a fear of disappointment. That is, I can believe that I will be disappointed if the latter is right, so I make the latter the rule. This way I pre-empt the disappointment. The other thing is when people remark that I have lost weight, I think I am uneasy. Its like a premonition to me that I will gain it back and the "glory" will fade, like the results. I don't like it when people notice changes in me. It makes me feel public and under a watchful eye. I like some invisibility. In my own private quarters I can be whatever i choose to be. I can enjoy my own progress and note the fragile and delicate balance that is necessary for the change. I am unesay when people say things to me because my relationship to these comments is old and precarious. In school i was the ugliest thing in the world, by other people's comments. In church I was very attractive and "hot." It all added up to my insanity. I detached from both in a fundamental way and started to seek other things more important and substantive to me. The, "you look great" comment is about the same as the "illlllllll" followed by laughter. I feel very uncomfortable when I am judged for my appearance. That's just another layer.

On day thirteen I had a tub of popcorn; on day fourteen I had ice cream and apple and blueberry crumb dessert; yesterday I had french fries. It seems to me that i won't just give up these splurges, and I wonder how long it will be before they consume all together. Before they become all I eat. We'll just have to see, Today I am feeling japanese, but i am tempted to have the tuna and mayo combo. I am thinking I can have the white rice that rolls are wrapped around, but the soy sauce will inevitably put weight on for tomorrow's measuring and i think that will be my downfall. Once I see the weight go up, I'll conclude that maintaining is pointless. Alas, my conundrum.

Day thirteen - what have I learned?

On this day I am thinking that I have learned to know my body a little better. This morning I woke up and knew what i weighed and how I felt about health. My beliefs about dietary habits has not really changed. I'm not more in tune with eating healthy, I am tired of it. I want a steak, medium rare, as a speak. But I knew when I got on the scale that I would either see 207.5, at best 207. In thirteen days I would say I probably lost something like 4 or 5 pounds if i consider don't count the water weight loss, which I will gain, undoubtedly, after this project is over. Even so, I woke up and realized that I knew when my body felt lighter than the day before. Focusing so heavily on how my body feels got me to realize that maybe my body operates on different beliefs, although they are beliefs I was always in tune with. The dietary thing is still a difficult one for me. I am still very angry, I realize. And I also see the nature of this anger and disappointment. It goes way back. And I will probably never be able to transcend it. My approach is to expect to be disappointed. That reality and my wishes do not correlate. All this to say, I am realizing my own weaknesses in a way i did not attend to them before. Still, five pounds is five pounds.

Day Twelve - More Negative input?

I am suddenly beginning to see the trend of my own speech. In twelve days i have hardly said anything positive, and when there was something positive to say, i put it under a microscope. Its like I don't question the negative aspects, just the positive. That's a good thing. I wanted to see the way my language works with this "diet." I woke up this morning and weighed in at 208. Its not that i thought that this represented the actual weight. i did eat quite a bit of fat yesterday, but rather, i trust the negative more than the positive. the negative tells me where i am destined to go; the positive, where i want to go. I don't trust that what I want is attainable. Interestingly enough, I didn't have even a little elixir yesterday. I guess I got fed up with the mix. So I guess at the end of this project there is an understanding that I may not want success because it would mean that i am wrong about getting the things i want. I generally expect disappointment. There are a lot of reasons for this that go well beyond the physical health issues. I can begin with my childhood, but ultimately, I see things through a rather dark lenses. This is good to know. I have to begin to question my spirit now.

Day Eleven - Almost fell off the block

Today I was fed up; I hardly had any elixir and I almost stopped at a dinner for the "works" before a friend of mine stopped me and forced me into a thai restaurant. She pretty much saved me, but I am running out of steam. I want some kind of protein; eggs or fish will do. To wait until the 14th is absolute murder now. I can not see the options or the benefdits of this diet from here. I slept for three hours at 5:00 just to avoid being awake and looking for a way out of eating whatever the hell i want to eat. There's also the 207. I weighed in this morning and i think that is what this is about. I am more certain that that is what i weigh, but now comes the part where I feel the weight of irrationality. Suddently a little bird is talking a mile a minte about the logic of not cheating just one day when I've been so good the past 10. It also wants to remind that when I stay one just one way of eating, my body gets used to it and it packs on the pounds as soon as I start to have something like a steak or burger; I am sabotagng myself by being this strict (which, by the way, given the stuff I had been consuming like soy coffee, its not that bad). Come to think of it, maybe that's why the craving got so strong. I stopped at Starbucks for a grande cup of soy latte. I am supposed to be strong enough to push the weight loss pass 200. If I lose another 7 pounds, and I don't see how it would hurt to eat a little fish a little early, then I will be under 200. If I can do that, then I MIGHT be able to foresee the extra twenty five pounds that would put me back where I want to be. I am happy to say that my sister looked good when i saw her today, but I don't know where or how the other one is doing.

Day Ten - Weakening on sodium and smoke

Here's the interesting thing: I didn't trust the 207 yesterday; today I'm 208.5. OK, I had chinese food. Just tofu and veggies, but filled with sodium and fat. I was hungry and I came home and had a little more soup, but OMG, I knew it was too much already. Light food, light weight, right? Well, if that wasn't enough, I was dying over the smoke project, too. I am trying to quit. but it feels hopeless. I think I'll visit the doctor today and ask for help. As for the weight thing. I feel my body and I know its panic buttons are when it feels light. I think I'm not meant to be light.

Day Nine - Cessation Smoking

Well, I got on today's scale and i weighted 207.5. Good, right? Well, no my question is whether i will upset the whole thing if i try to stop smoking now. Its literally killing me. I think I'll go see a doctor, but I'm afraid they'll try to convince me that I should let the weight go back up. Its not cool. Believe it or not, I am convinced that i am not a smoker. Not that i am not addicted to smkoing, but that I was never meant to put the stick in my mouth. I currently can't imagine life without it, but I want to stop because it slows me down to a ridiculous pace. I am convinced it is partly responsible for the sloth I've been feeling lately. The regular thing is to do stuff in the morning then smoke then sleep. Its horrible.

Anyway, the other questions, about culture, still remain. How much of my cultural conviction, and personal convictions lie beneath this project. With oly a few days left on this thing, i am wondering whether I'll make it and still be able to locate my original premise. If not, that's OK too.

Day eight - over a hump

I'm still 209 and I ate a big bag of popcorn at the movies yesterday. Today I had a handful or two of cashews. My frantic obsession with why the weight won't drop easier is lessening. I could blame the popcorn and the cashews, but I guess the way I see it, I still should be under since the popcorn was about all I ate along with some scrambled tofu and a boiled plantain. I also think that given my diet consisted of McDonalds and KFC, my body's metabolism shouldn't be acting up so stubbornly since my calorie intake is a lot less, so is my fat intake under the circumstances. Its times like this that i think my body demands a very strict adherence that i can not provide; even then I think my body notes when i am restricting my diet. It has no problem gaining weight, but losing weight is another matter. It is on some type of survival mode that I can never seem to puncture. When I was younger I starved myself. I am human and i guess my humanity demands that i not restrict myself so much that i can't enjoy popcorn and nuts. Its an internal philosophical difference. Well, I'm having some squash now, and i guess that my body will resist and so will I.

The spaghetti squash is nasty. I never had it before, and I will never buy it again. Oh well. I guess I'll have to do with a salad or something. In any case, this really has very little to do with the health factors, doesn't it? Its just that I feel the same. I don't have more energy, although I have been coming up with ideas about my dissertation and other things. That's good. I still want to sleep, but that's not that easy either. My hours are very late, but when the time comes, I'm too tired to do anything, including sleep. I take the sleeping pills at night to keep from staring up all night. Then in the day, I want to sleep, but I can't. Its a perpetual exhaustion. I wish I could just think to write instead of waiting for the sleep to come, but its my habit. Working is not a habit I picked up that I perceive as "the good."

Anyway, I must seem like a whiner, but, ehhh, so what? The point is nothing has changed, so I am hoping for a superficial change...my body shape. Well, that's an ongoing war. Nothing wrong with me, just pure psychology.

Day seven - getting tougher

Today I might not make it. I am so hungry right now that i can't even imagine what i would do if it were not for the fact that I am at home with nothing at all to munch on. I got on the scale this morning and found that I gained a pound and a half, and now comes the easy part: it didn't really work! I'm supposed to go to the movies today, but what do I want to do? Eat popcorn. Lot's of it, too. That would be two days in a row that I veered off the path. I am still having my elixir, but now i am consuming some starches like plantains and potatoes. Its not a lot, mind you, but its enough to actually give me weight rather than lose it. On the other hand, my poop is a lot lighter and regular. I don't know. I guess I'll try to stick it out. But this half way point is proving a lot harder than the beginning. What was i doing this for again?

Day six - on to the beautiful

Well, its not that I have decided that this program makes me feel beautiful. On the contrary, I got on the scale in my usual obsessive manner this morning. I could not stand the fact that I was still 209 pounds, considering I am eating less that 1100 calories a day. In my frantic, this is about the weight loss, manner i began my usual pathological conversation: "its because you don't exercise; its because you're in long island and there is nothing to do; its because you ruined your metabolism when you were a kid; it could be worse if you stop smoking; its because God wants you to stay fat; its because you believe you are meant to be fat; its because your mind can not accept anything less than 200 pounds, it wants you to stay within the 206 to 209 range until it can push you towards three hundred, which is inevitable because you are supposed to be fat; etc.

See, the point is that I am not directed towards the beautiful. Its not that losing weight will make me beautiful, at least not the beauty i mean, but its about thinking positively; by beautiful, I guess I mean seeing myself within something beautiful. I question "what is beauty?" but more importantly, I believe in the unfortunate and the downtrodden. I mean I believe in it; its not just that I avoid it, or I think it exists if you fail to do certain things, I mean when i say "my mind goes crazy when the scale says I am still a certain weight" I mean that I come face to face with a certain truth about what i believe; that poverty is my destiny. By poverty I mean, that poor health, lack, and general loss of the beautiful are predestined qualities of my life. I was thinking about this post and how to write something that would make you the reader feel glad you met me. It occurred to me that if you are reading this, you must think I am just bitching all day and night and I have nothing to offer. I was thinking you would be right. Unfortunately, this is what i have to do to get to the bottom of my project. I have to understand whether this downtrodden, poverty stricken narrative came from me or was passed on from culture. And if there is a combination to the two, what can really change in a detox pr gram?

I'm sorry, please don't read anymore if its boring you or depressing. There aer many others out there that inspire. My job here is not to inspire, but to investigate why people need inspiration in the first place.

I did a very naughty thing; I cheated. I had a piece of decadent chocolate. It was outrageous, but it looked like a piece from the movie, Marie Antoinette, and i couldn't resist. It was sugar and pure fat, but oh what a joyous splurge! Now, its all about not losing myself. One piece is the death of me!

Day Five - 209 and losing

Losing what? Everything I suppose. Most importantly, my convictions. If I succeed, I'm wrong. That may be the biggest loss yet. Perhaps that's what I don't want more than I want my health.

Day four - tasting lemons and maple syrup

I'm already getting sick of the taste of the elixir. I'm emotional today; woke up with the usual sad story daydream. Those are always the worst! They mark my day and I want to run away. Running away while on this detox plan is no picnic either. Even if i had the money to do it, I would have to prepare enough of this stuff to get away with it.

I've been getting pretty bad headaches in the evening. I think my body demands fat at night, so that's been the hardest thing to get used to. I'm also afraid that if I run, I won't write and that's never good.

I off.

I started a new blog which means I will be spending a little less time with this one. i am beginning to see the relationship between my appetite and my eating. I am depressed over my lack of urgency to finish my dissertation, so maybe its all true. Maybe I want to eat as a diversion from dealing with the things I have to deal with. I've never been so afriad of homelessness in my life, yet I fail to understand that what I am failing to complete today is directly related to that end. For some reason my headache is back, although I am begininning to suspect that its because I am still smoking. I don't know if I can stop smoking and detox at the same time. It seem implausible for me to take the two on simultaneously, and yet it seems to defeat the whole purpose of the detox. I have to remind myself that the detox process is not about a healthy body, per se. I still want to try and accomplish my cultural goal in observing a different cultural atitude towards health and fitness, but I am beginning to care a little less about where I cam from. I like the weight loss. Its all I care about in this project, which is why if I stop losing weight, and I believe I will plateau sooner, maybe in the next day or so, I will care less about the detox. I wonder if I will give up at that point. In other words, I find that I could care less about eating healthy. If it doesn't yield the benefits of significant weight loss, I just don't seem to care. So, the smoking, in that sense, makes sense.

If I can understand why healthy eating habits are making me better beyond weight loss advantanges, maybe I'll stick it out. So far, I'm hungry with a goal.

Day three - On the power of influence

The friend who is doing this project with me mentioned that I was being "melodramatic." Am I? In-flu-ence is a virus. In one clear shot I can bag this whole project, or simply reduce it to "well, its just a couple of weeks of eating differently." What's the big deal? If it is a "big deal" its only a big deal because it is a microcosm of a larger project. In that way, its not so much melodramtic as it is a search for understanding. I have to admit that I was diminished by her statement. After all, it seems like we're moving into an era where doing things just don't have to mean that much. We can sum everything up to just another channel on life's TV screen. Perhaps it is all vanity; I'm alway sure to find everything I wondered about at this age will add up to little when I get old and gray; when my mind can only grasp what my body is able to produce. When that happens, the questions will seem vain and meaningless. in the meantime, I think there's a good chance that there is something to these questions. Calling it "melodramatic" merely divests things of their meaning, and in a world desperate for meaning, I wonder whether it really has any intention of pursuing the absent.

Speaking of bodies. I also mentioned that the interesting thing about this project is the idea that with science, there only lies matter over mind, and no longer mind over matter. What my body will do with this detox has very little to do with what I believe. I suppose I can leave my body to its idiosyncracies, but that's really not the point. The point here is that the dogmatic insistence of the science and rational community (that no matter what I think, if I use numbers and facts about the body's reaction to certain circumstances, I don't have to believe, I just have to submit) claims it will yield absolute truth. God complex.

I'm shaken up, not because it is true, this project will probably do to my body what the biologist and physiologists claim, but because the mind is beginning to matter less and less. When you look at it from that perspective, from just "matter-of-fact viewpoints, experiences count for very little. Oh, and yes, I am pissed off. How's that for dramatic? Who cares about creativity? Who cares about the beautiful? Who cares if you believe there are real dogmatic principles at play that corrupt your life instincts? If you just submit to science and rationality, it will make sense and joy can be tempered as well as depression. Still too dramatic? It all sounds like Sunday church all over again. Some habits are hard to break.

The funny thing is, if i don't do it like this, there is no reason at all to do the project. I mean, I can hear the argument, "its for your health." But what a bunch of bullshit. If you diminish meaning, who gives a fuck that you're healthy? You might as well eat what you want. Or, don't eat. Its all the same. Right?

I like that I can locate the struggle. As I said in my previous postings, its all about the struggle. Its a cultural thing. Now that there is a fight, I guess I have a reason to live. Some languages just can't be broken.

Oh, and by the way, emotionally, this is becoming a fun obsession.

Day Two - towards a new eye

Its even harder to get a sense of what is changing when all you can think about is the body. I felt my stomach this morning and thought there was nothing in there, like there is nothing on my mind. Nevertheless, I had trouble sleeping and when I finally did, I had a nightmare. Writing is getting harder, too. I am feeling so weak and yet my mind is racing with things I have to get done. Its already January 2 and nothing seems to be fueling my fire. A friend told me that I would feel this way until the toxins are out of my system, but I'm still smoking...and a lot more as far as I can tell. I only want to go to bed. I don't know if I could this if I weren't on vacation. I am afraid of being thinner. Very afraid. It seems cliche to say that my wight protects me from things I don't want to do or see, but alas... it may be the case that I am afraid of looking "better." I've been pretty adament about my critcism of American culture and its latest obseesion with competing with computers. I have to produce, produce, produce. The quality of life here is brutal only by way of working yourself to an earl;y grave, all the while seeming like the most attractive and priviledge person in the world. How to even get to a real quality of life is impossible to figure out. Without complaining, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Last night a few friends and I were discussing the humanities, film and literature. We agreed that somehow the humanities is dying a slow and painful death. We have to get used to a new global and technologically oriented environment. Its so removed from natural law, its hard to understand the virtues of this new era. When you consider the body, it seems more like detoxing is a technological project rather than a human health problem.

This second day seems longer than yesterday already. Writing about this new project seems like it will last a lifetime. Its only another 13 days, but seeing the changes already terrifies me. I got on the scale today and noted that I dropped a poound in one day. It should make me feel successful, but it sweeps me into a fanstastical place; a zone I am afraid to enter. Its easier if I just do this without thinking about it at all, but that would defeat the purpose of the whole project. I want to SEE the whole thing. What is happening to me as I change piece by piece and how much of that change is comfortable, reliable, or devastating. It would be nice to wake up in two weeks when this is all over and see a new body and a new attitude, but that is not what happens, so I want to chronicle failure. Something will succeed, but I am leary to think it will be the thing promised.

I am not aware of the here and now; I am constantly aware of the next hour, tomorrow, next week, and next year. Its already unhealthy.

Day of reckoning

I sometimes think that the only way to get through a "cleansing" is by thinking of the only positive result it will have...weight loss. We're so obsessive over the subject, its the only thing that makes sense when you're undertaking a project that completely lacks any reasoning at all. So, it goes without saying that the first stage of this project is missing and obsessing over the loss of food choices. If I'm going to be physiologically weak, it will be exacerbated by the weakness I impose psychologically over the absence of eggs and cheese. Well, I fought off the temptation to get on the scale this morning. In a fantastical obsession to see rewards for just thinking about doing this project, I hoped to see a weight loss that would be equally irrational.

Last night was crazy. I had an incredible meal made by a friend's mother who travelled to the US from Iran. Her cooking was the perfect "last meal" before the onset of my insanity. I like these terms i use; they are negative with a purpose. I don't want to forget that i don't actually like this project or the act of getting into detoxification. I am merely trying to do this in as objective a fashion as possible, while spitting on the whole American agenda to lose weight and look great. Nevertheless, I am hopeful for an American beautified body that is inconceivable in this culture for a dark skinned woman like myself. I'm working it out.

I had my "elixir" this morning, and last night I read an article by a doctor who seriously rejects the whole process. He supported his attitude with a lot of science; his last word was to count calories. Period. Well, again, i am reticent about this stuff. I want the body, not the process. What's new? It a psychological mind-fuck. With 14 days to go, I am trying to think of how I will pass the time. Time suddenly is an issue. Its very much like a 14 day prison. How do you survive in jail? Will I get use to it? Will I start to like it? Will i be happier doing other things that look like more energy and more production? I'm already getting the feeling that this is going to get bad and really stupid. I'm already thinking I am not going to make it. Not because I can't, but because I hate false promises more than I hate small odds of success. This is already about the feeling of loss. And it already struggles with my position on truth. Philosophically, this health pursuit goes against every cultural lesson I've ever had to learn. Its completely foreign to me. And, my friend told me that it is nearly impossible to change the person that you are. I agree with him.

1:00am

This is the most difficult hour of the day; the evening is when I dream of popcorn and fats. I managed to make it through most of the day and a friend of mine is so encouraging, I am convinced I am doing something right. Still, the headaches and general feeling of malaise haunts me. I don't think I can see the future in this vein. Imagine a life of vegetables and fruits. I don't think so.