On seeing the light

This is day two of the idea, but the program doesn't begin until January 1. I am already missing a meal I haven't had. Yesterday, in an attempt to explain this ridiculous (its already ridiculous) idea to some friends, I got all caught up with theory. Its an occupational hazard. This project has already become a way for me to write everyday and think about some of the things I've divested this last couple of years. My god, I use to be so spiritual. I am so cynical these days, its a wonder I don't completely drain myself of any thoughts at all.

Well, since I promised myself that I would try this, I think it s important to mention that part of my problem lies in legacies. I was telling a friend that i can not become any kind of writer because when i think of writing i think of Marquez and Borges; figures I could never compete with. She told me that I am "normal" to think I can not compete with the great ones, but I came back with this theory that its not merely that I think I can't compete with them, but that I have nothing in my background to support the idea that i can even come close to creative poetic expression. Its not what we do. My culture puts their money on the conservative successes; doctor, lawyer, etc. Its not that we fail to produce writers; its that we laugh at the notion that it could yield any real advantages for the individual or community. Its a silly notion to think that literature can yield positive results for countries, or peoples, that suffer real dangers of subjugation or starvation. We're an oxymoron. Our spirituality is based on a compilation of complications and toxic elements. So this detox project is antithetical to my physiological make-up. My family laughs at everything I do, I think. Its not that I'm in paranoia, just defense.