At 214 pounds and 5 foot eight inches tall

I should post my picture; if for no other reason, in order to really do justice to this project, I think I should include visual culture. It seems to me that the confusion lies in what we look like. I think I look ok at my 214 pounds, although it is 10 pounds heavier than i was last year at the same time. I am also prone to examine the "superstitions" that lie beneath the surface of mind. OK. Not so beneath it, but near it. First, i imagine what i will look like if I lose weight and that excites me. This is a typical way for me to move away from the project. When i imagine my body thinner and shapelier, I imagine happiness. It goes against my better judgment to pursue the happy and beautiful, and it goes against my better nature to think that the better body means I am more beautiful. I have a deep belief that beauty is an impossible goal. As soon as i think I can be beautiful, I think I believe it is a fantasy, like thinking I can be white (when I was younger I, like Morrison's Bluest Eye Pecola, thought being lighter skinned with long soft hair was the beautiful) what was impossible then is still impossible now. Although wiser, i think I am confused by the bearers of beauty. What am i if I am thinner? Am I really beautiful or just out of range for my type? It might be that it feel unnatural for me.

The other thing is about my family; if i lose weight they gain weight. My sister lost 110 pounds. She really needed to do it, but I am afraid that if I lose weight, she'll gain hers back, If she doesn't bear the weight of weight gain, my younger sister will have to do it. And if we all do not pay the price for being thinner, happier, or "healthier," my parents will have to bear it. That part is Haitian. It is the balance of blessings. Out of five people, 1100 pounds must be distributed no matter who bears it most. Its a deep seeded belief. I believe resistance to weight loss is about this mystical connection. Let's see if it happens that this detox program dispels those beliefs too. We are community minded, not individually minded.

Some of the more traditional beliefs; the ones that have the universe parcelling out blessings, make it harder to do this project. I have a deep sense of responsibility to my community and a deeper sense of self-sacrifice. If its entirely in my head, then the detox will have a better impact in getting that squared away than if it helps me lose weight. I don't know if I mentioned it before but this project is only useful to me if I lose weight; the health factor is marginal at best. I am not dying so the things most important to me are the beautiful and acquiring the beautiful. I am not interested in what Kant has to say about it; I just want to know if its true...that the body has anything to do with it. This body has beeen historically "ugly" for so long, I wonder whether it is possible to make something beautiful that has had to fight for light for many years. I am looking forward to the experiment. Something is off about the presumption. I want to see about the after effects and what I learn from its possible failure; and if it doesn't fail, it won't be because of anything having to do with ideal bodies. At least I hope so.