I feel the need to set the parameters of this project

The project will consist of 14 days of strict detox. The detoxification process will include the water, lemon, maple syrup and cayenne, as prescribed, but I will also allow strictly fruits and vegetables for consumption. Under NO circumstance will i be allowed meat or certain fats (the only exception being extra virgin olive oil). I will not consume wheat or any type of breads and pastas containing yeast. I will not consume rice, white or brown. I can have vegetable broth, not chicken broth if I need a warm soup, and I can have green tea, but not coffee.

Already the word "allow" reminds me that I am lacking authority over my own choices and existence. don't like that word. Its too rooted to order and division. I'll have to suggest another term.

At 214 pounds and 5 foot eight inches tall

I should post my picture; if for no other reason, in order to really do justice to this project, I think I should include visual culture. It seems to me that the confusion lies in what we look like. I think I look ok at my 214 pounds, although it is 10 pounds heavier than i was last year at the same time. I am also prone to examine the "superstitions" that lie beneath the surface of mind. OK. Not so beneath it, but near it. First, i imagine what i will look like if I lose weight and that excites me. This is a typical way for me to move away from the project. When i imagine my body thinner and shapelier, I imagine happiness. It goes against my better judgment to pursue the happy and beautiful, and it goes against my better nature to think that the better body means I am more beautiful. I have a deep belief that beauty is an impossible goal. As soon as i think I can be beautiful, I think I believe it is a fantasy, like thinking I can be white (when I was younger I, like Morrison's Bluest Eye Pecola, thought being lighter skinned with long soft hair was the beautiful) what was impossible then is still impossible now. Although wiser, i think I am confused by the bearers of beauty. What am i if I am thinner? Am I really beautiful or just out of range for my type? It might be that it feel unnatural for me.

The other thing is about my family; if i lose weight they gain weight. My sister lost 110 pounds. She really needed to do it, but I am afraid that if I lose weight, she'll gain hers back, If she doesn't bear the weight of weight gain, my younger sister will have to do it. And if we all do not pay the price for being thinner, happier, or "healthier," my parents will have to bear it. That part is Haitian. It is the balance of blessings. Out of five people, 1100 pounds must be distributed no matter who bears it most. Its a deep seeded belief. I believe resistance to weight loss is about this mystical connection. Let's see if it happens that this detox program dispels those beliefs too. We are community minded, not individually minded.

Some of the more traditional beliefs; the ones that have the universe parcelling out blessings, make it harder to do this project. I have a deep sense of responsibility to my community and a deeper sense of self-sacrifice. If its entirely in my head, then the detox will have a better impact in getting that squared away than if it helps me lose weight. I don't know if I mentioned it before but this project is only useful to me if I lose weight; the health factor is marginal at best. I am not dying so the things most important to me are the beautiful and acquiring the beautiful. I am not interested in what Kant has to say about it; I just want to know if its true...that the body has anything to do with it. This body has beeen historically "ugly" for so long, I wonder whether it is possible to make something beautiful that has had to fight for light for many years. I am looking forward to the experiment. Something is off about the presumption. I want to see about the after effects and what I learn from its possible failure; and if it doesn't fail, it won't be because of anything having to do with ideal bodies. At least I hope so.

What do we do when we miss days?

I've been away these past few days and coming back to the project is even harder than before. Yesterday, in Philadelphia, I felt even better about the project. After a lot of thought and conversation, the more I think about detoxifying my body, the less it seems to be about health. In fact, it seems really unhealthy to me right about now. Its like I like the toxins; or rather, it is as if the toxins are a necessary part of my existence. I view life as a struggle, health as the end of a war. Why don't I think that my part in detoxification is my own victory? Perhaps what i think I lose is the feeling of being in a noble battle. It seems likely that if i get healthier I'll have to start a new war called maintenance. If that's the case, I'd rather stick to the war I know.

But regarding that problem, I am prone to think that I am reared to fight life's many battles. Staying alive is only the barest essential component. What kind of "health" does detoxification promise? I've already acknowledged that the legacy of my own community would laugh at the project; don't I have more important things to tend to? And isn't it only the privileged with nothing to do that worry about purifying a perfectly able body?

I'm getting weaker the closer I come to the onset date. I can feel my resolve weakening and the project going on the shelf with the many other projects I've started and never seemed to finish. This time, though, this project is more than just a cop out. I feel fear. I can't say what I'm afraid of. I'm not hungry, but the thought of losing the options...in a suburb that already has limited options...is already making me back away from the project. I went to the supermarket to buy the containers and lemons, but I left some ingredients behind. I'm afraid of the vegetables. I see them rotting away; evidence of my failure. I left them in my grocery cart. Oranges, I thought, would be an easy reach, but I saw myself peeling in desperation and crumbling under the unsatisfying experience. I thought, "what if I want salty food" and I looked to the spinach, carrots and other vegetables. I ran.

I managed to get the lemons home. I figured they would at least last beyond the project and I could always make juice. Then I thought, "well, by the time I throw them out the project will be forgotten and they'll just be rotten food."

I know it looks like I am too negative about the project and I probably should just jump ship now. I can just hear my sister saying, "if that's how you're going to be about it, then you're not ready." Ready for what? When do you become "ready?" when you've had a death scare? Or maybe when your doctor gives you that look (you know the one when he looks at you like you've been playing in a pool of pig's shit and you're a big mess), then says, "your...is too..." Ahhh, those life affirming words translated, "you're going to die sooner than you think." That's suppose to be the big philosophical breakthrough. This project won't work too well if I'm doing it to scrape up a few extra years on my mortality.

Culturally speaking, I think I am trained to fight something, even when its nothing at all. So, it seems to me that my current struggle isn't negative, just another fight. Can I do this project without fighting anything? I don't think so, and I'm afraid I'll get tired. I hope I can still write when it happens; I want to know the nature of my exhaustion and how much of it is a combination of my psychology and this detoxification process. Its no wonder they say you'll feel lighter when its over; I feel like a ton just thinking about everything the project demands that I consider...cholesterol, diabetes, blood pressure, obesity, etc. Or, worse yet, "better this and that." Let's go for I won't die if I don't do it, and I won't be better at anything if I do. So why do it at all? Let's pretend for one minute that a healthier physical body makes an ounce of difference in the way a person really lives. And let's try not to confuse, as it seems many of the detox writers do, that detoxing and incorporating "healthier" eating habits will naturally lead to a desire to purify everything else in your life. What's wrong with this picture, for me, is that it just seems a little too simplistic. But then some of the best things in life are rather simple. Open mind, right? Let's try it again.

On seeing the light

This is day two of the idea, but the program doesn't begin until January 1. I am already missing a meal I haven't had. Yesterday, in an attempt to explain this ridiculous (its already ridiculous) idea to some friends, I got all caught up with theory. Its an occupational hazard. This project has already become a way for me to write everyday and think about some of the things I've divested this last couple of years. My god, I use to be so spiritual. I am so cynical these days, its a wonder I don't completely drain myself of any thoughts at all.

Well, since I promised myself that I would try this, I think it s important to mention that part of my problem lies in legacies. I was telling a friend that i can not become any kind of writer because when i think of writing i think of Marquez and Borges; figures I could never compete with. She told me that I am "normal" to think I can not compete with the great ones, but I came back with this theory that its not merely that I think I can't compete with them, but that I have nothing in my background to support the idea that i can even come close to creative poetic expression. Its not what we do. My culture puts their money on the conservative successes; doctor, lawyer, etc. Its not that we fail to produce writers; its that we laugh at the notion that it could yield any real advantages for the individual or community. Its a silly notion to think that literature can yield positive results for countries, or peoples, that suffer real dangers of subjugation or starvation. We're an oxymoron. Our spirituality is based on a compilation of complications and toxic elements. So this detox project is antithetical to my physiological make-up. My family laughs at everything I do, I think. Its not that I'm in paranoia, just defense.

How does detoxification work for the "off standard" person?

This is not my first attempt at detoxification; I first tried to detoxify back in 1996 through research on the subject using mainly Dr Gary Null's publications, among many others. Yesterday I spoke to a friend who agreed to go through the process with me at the top of the new year. We are going to use something called "master cleansing" which entails 9 days of raw fruits and vegetables combined with an "elixir" made up of lemon, 100% maple syrup and a little cayenne pepper in large glasses of pure water. Here's the thing: we are urban African-Americans. It sounds stupid. Right? What does being urban, let alone of a particular race, have to do with detoxification? Well, nothing. Except, I noticed my previous attempts at detoxification caused a kind of havoc that most people merely relate with the "side effects" of cleansing. Whatever willpower I had dissipated so quickly, I merely dismissed the project as too rigid and severe for "my type." Since then I have tried various diets and nutrition regiments, always returning to my beloved burgers, fried chicken, fries, and coffee, and always blaming myself for lack of discipline and willpower. The end results were always the same: shame and humiliation followed by excessive weight gain. As usual, I talked myself out of the shame and humiliation part, but I was left with the unhealthy feeling and, of course, the fat.

A few days ago, channel 11 news aired a segment on self-perception and obesity. According to the news anchor, African-Americans suffer significantly more risks of health complications due to obesity because of illusory self-perceptions that do not register the reality of being overweight. In other words, AA tend to think that a little "junk in the trunk" is a good thing. I can't speak for all AA, but I know where I come from, America's obsession with weight loss bordered on the ridiculous, if not absurd. It is not that my community did not have its fair share of eating disorders and obsessive dieting, but in the end, "thin" was considered terrifying and not at all desirable. To this I add, healthy was considered visually obvious in a body that looked more like the actors and actresses in the 1930s. Not fat, but not skinny either. Signs that you had food and were eating were signs of financial, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Skinny just looked like death. Period. At the age of 18, when America's obsessive desire to meet (and beat) the numbers on a doctor's chart told me that my five foot eight frame should weight between 135 and 160 pounds, my 170 pounds yielded compliments from my community. When I dropped 25 pounds, another culture gave me the "high five," while my community sucked in their breaths and exclaimed, "what's wrong?!" I have to admit, not only did I hate the process of losing the weight and the burden of keeping it off, I did not think I looked better. My ass was flat, my face was gaunt (on a thin face, my features looked all out of proportion), and most importantly, I did not think about anything else. I did not feel better. Did not desire anything else. Did not enjoy life more. In a word, the doctor's chart did not promise a better, healthier girl, but, rather, a better looking girl to one group, but a miserable person to herself. So what's the problem?

My community cared about health; in fact, health and nutrition were ingrained in the culture. As an American child, Ronald McDonald was the only cook I wanted in the house; my parents, and grandparents insisted on oatmeal, rice, meat, salad, beans, milk, and the yearly laxative. While this was good, the food was made with white rice and flour, and always buttered or cooked with corn oil. I understand this is "very bad." Adding insult to injury, I was bombarded with "Africans-Americans are more likely to die of high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc." In fact, the whole science community and their preoccupation with "what's wrong with the blacks" plummeted me with "poorer academic scores," "poorer diets," "poorer financial opportunities," "dangerous social environments," etc. etc. In an uncanny barrage of "you are fucked up and need special assistance," my community offered up a small glimmer of hope: "at least you're healthy." But now "the scientists" have discovered this too is a dangerous illusion. I'm not only fat, I am psychological trained to fail to register the reality of my obesity. JESUS CHRIST!

The reason this detoxification is a cultural experiment is because I want to know whether the standard body that is used in medical offices, "the ideal healthy European body," really registers as a universal body par excellence. My grandfather died of heart failure; he had diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure; he was 94. Grandmother had multiple illnesses too; she died the youngest in her family at age 89. Could the American Health Association have helped my grandparents live to see their 100th birthdays? And is that the point?

The promise of detoxification includes a positive outlook; a happier, healthier, and more energetic person; a better adjusted individual who is better able to concentrate and fulfill his/her goals. I won't argue that it's worth the pursuit. But the feeling of "well-being" may translate to a feeling associated with tremendous loss for my friend and I. It isn't fair to assume that this is merely holding on to "poor health habits" and toxic chemicals in the body; that is a very simplistic view of the relationship to loss. I remember feeling weak then overwhelming "energetic," a feeling that made me seem more out of control and vulnerable than better able to cope with my environment. I want to journal our experience to understand what, exactly, do we go through when we "detoxify." In other words, what is the nature of our "toxicity?" What is our relationship to food? And how much of that relationship is laced with historical cultural tensions? Are the scientific physical benefits of the pursuit of "healthy" able to withstand a contentious relationship between bodies? And can the pursuit of individual health coexist with communal attitudes that foster shields against the ravages of a social identification that historically reduces the AA to bodies ignorant of science and philosophy?

My expectations are TOO HIGH! I know. And, no doubt, the promoters of detoxification will come back with, "its not a cure all." I hope this long analysis does not imply that this is what this project is about. I could care less about that. Its about how we address health and our scepticism of American/European culture in general. We want slimmer and healthier bodies. And we are driven to read the books that persuade us to embark on a journey that begins with the body and, hopefully, ends with the soul. But, I don't want to adopt an ideology and run with it; sooner or later, 36 years of training will creep up and struggle with the process, especially when feeling weak. The guards of my soul will surface, undifferentiating temporary physical weakness with vulnerable weakness, and I will think that it is my time to "be strong" again. How to trust this information, this ideology, is the task at hand. I hope it works. I really do.