Day seven - getting tougher

Today I might not make it. I am so hungry right now that i can't even imagine what i would do if it were not for the fact that I am at home with nothing at all to munch on. I got on the scale this morning and found that I gained a pound and a half, and now comes the easy part: it didn't really work! I'm supposed to go to the movies today, but what do I want to do? Eat popcorn. Lot's of it, too. That would be two days in a row that I veered off the path. I am still having my elixir, but now i am consuming some starches like plantains and potatoes. Its not a lot, mind you, but its enough to actually give me weight rather than lose it. On the other hand, my poop is a lot lighter and regular. I don't know. I guess I'll try to stick it out. But this half way point is proving a lot harder than the beginning. What was i doing this for again?

Day six - on to the beautiful

Well, its not that I have decided that this program makes me feel beautiful. On the contrary, I got on the scale in my usual obsessive manner this morning. I could not stand the fact that I was still 209 pounds, considering I am eating less that 1100 calories a day. In my frantic, this is about the weight loss, manner i began my usual pathological conversation: "its because you don't exercise; its because you're in long island and there is nothing to do; its because you ruined your metabolism when you were a kid; it could be worse if you stop smoking; its because God wants you to stay fat; its because you believe you are meant to be fat; its because your mind can not accept anything less than 200 pounds, it wants you to stay within the 206 to 209 range until it can push you towards three hundred, which is inevitable because you are supposed to be fat; etc.

See, the point is that I am not directed towards the beautiful. Its not that losing weight will make me beautiful, at least not the beauty i mean, but its about thinking positively; by beautiful, I guess I mean seeing myself within something beautiful. I question "what is beauty?" but more importantly, I believe in the unfortunate and the downtrodden. I mean I believe in it; its not just that I avoid it, or I think it exists if you fail to do certain things, I mean when i say "my mind goes crazy when the scale says I am still a certain weight" I mean that I come face to face with a certain truth about what i believe; that poverty is my destiny. By poverty I mean, that poor health, lack, and general loss of the beautiful are predestined qualities of my life. I was thinking about this post and how to write something that would make you the reader feel glad you met me. It occurred to me that if you are reading this, you must think I am just bitching all day and night and I have nothing to offer. I was thinking you would be right. Unfortunately, this is what i have to do to get to the bottom of my project. I have to understand whether this downtrodden, poverty stricken narrative came from me or was passed on from culture. And if there is a combination to the two, what can really change in a detox pr gram?

I'm sorry, please don't read anymore if its boring you or depressing. There aer many others out there that inspire. My job here is not to inspire, but to investigate why people need inspiration in the first place.

I did a very naughty thing; I cheated. I had a piece of decadent chocolate. It was outrageous, but it looked like a piece from the movie, Marie Antoinette, and i couldn't resist. It was sugar and pure fat, but oh what a joyous splurge! Now, its all about not losing myself. One piece is the death of me!

Day Five - 209 and losing

Losing what? Everything I suppose. Most importantly, my convictions. If I succeed, I'm wrong. That may be the biggest loss yet. Perhaps that's what I don't want more than I want my health.

Day four - tasting lemons and maple syrup

I'm already getting sick of the taste of the elixir. I'm emotional today; woke up with the usual sad story daydream. Those are always the worst! They mark my day and I want to run away. Running away while on this detox plan is no picnic either. Even if i had the money to do it, I would have to prepare enough of this stuff to get away with it.

I've been getting pretty bad headaches in the evening. I think my body demands fat at night, so that's been the hardest thing to get used to. I'm also afraid that if I run, I won't write and that's never good.

I off.

I started a new blog which means I will be spending a little less time with this one. i am beginning to see the relationship between my appetite and my eating. I am depressed over my lack of urgency to finish my dissertation, so maybe its all true. Maybe I want to eat as a diversion from dealing with the things I have to deal with. I've never been so afriad of homelessness in my life, yet I fail to understand that what I am failing to complete today is directly related to that end. For some reason my headache is back, although I am begininning to suspect that its because I am still smoking. I don't know if I can stop smoking and detox at the same time. It seem implausible for me to take the two on simultaneously, and yet it seems to defeat the whole purpose of the detox. I have to remind myself that the detox process is not about a healthy body, per se. I still want to try and accomplish my cultural goal in observing a different cultural atitude towards health and fitness, but I am beginning to care a little less about where I cam from. I like the weight loss. Its all I care about in this project, which is why if I stop losing weight, and I believe I will plateau sooner, maybe in the next day or so, I will care less about the detox. I wonder if I will give up at that point. In other words, I find that I could care less about eating healthy. If it doesn't yield the benefits of significant weight loss, I just don't seem to care. So, the smoking, in that sense, makes sense.

If I can understand why healthy eating habits are making me better beyond weight loss advantanges, maybe I'll stick it out. So far, I'm hungry with a goal.

Day three - On the power of influence

The friend who is doing this project with me mentioned that I was being "melodramatic." Am I? In-flu-ence is a virus. In one clear shot I can bag this whole project, or simply reduce it to "well, its just a couple of weeks of eating differently." What's the big deal? If it is a "big deal" its only a big deal because it is a microcosm of a larger project. In that way, its not so much melodramtic as it is a search for understanding. I have to admit that I was diminished by her statement. After all, it seems like we're moving into an era where doing things just don't have to mean that much. We can sum everything up to just another channel on life's TV screen. Perhaps it is all vanity; I'm alway sure to find everything I wondered about at this age will add up to little when I get old and gray; when my mind can only grasp what my body is able to produce. When that happens, the questions will seem vain and meaningless. in the meantime, I think there's a good chance that there is something to these questions. Calling it "melodramatic" merely divests things of their meaning, and in a world desperate for meaning, I wonder whether it really has any intention of pursuing the absent.

Speaking of bodies. I also mentioned that the interesting thing about this project is the idea that with science, there only lies matter over mind, and no longer mind over matter. What my body will do with this detox has very little to do with what I believe. I suppose I can leave my body to its idiosyncracies, but that's really not the point. The point here is that the dogmatic insistence of the science and rational community (that no matter what I think, if I use numbers and facts about the body's reaction to certain circumstances, I don't have to believe, I just have to submit) claims it will yield absolute truth. God complex.

I'm shaken up, not because it is true, this project will probably do to my body what the biologist and physiologists claim, but because the mind is beginning to matter less and less. When you look at it from that perspective, from just "matter-of-fact viewpoints, experiences count for very little. Oh, and yes, I am pissed off. How's that for dramatic? Who cares about creativity? Who cares about the beautiful? Who cares if you believe there are real dogmatic principles at play that corrupt your life instincts? If you just submit to science and rationality, it will make sense and joy can be tempered as well as depression. Still too dramatic? It all sounds like Sunday church all over again. Some habits are hard to break.

The funny thing is, if i don't do it like this, there is no reason at all to do the project. I mean, I can hear the argument, "its for your health." But what a bunch of bullshit. If you diminish meaning, who gives a fuck that you're healthy? You might as well eat what you want. Or, don't eat. Its all the same. Right?

I like that I can locate the struggle. As I said in my previous postings, its all about the struggle. Its a cultural thing. Now that there is a fight, I guess I have a reason to live. Some languages just can't be broken.

Oh, and by the way, emotionally, this is becoming a fun obsession.

Day Two - towards a new eye

Its even harder to get a sense of what is changing when all you can think about is the body. I felt my stomach this morning and thought there was nothing in there, like there is nothing on my mind. Nevertheless, I had trouble sleeping and when I finally did, I had a nightmare. Writing is getting harder, too. I am feeling so weak and yet my mind is racing with things I have to get done. Its already January 2 and nothing seems to be fueling my fire. A friend told me that I would feel this way until the toxins are out of my system, but I'm still smoking...and a lot more as far as I can tell. I only want to go to bed. I don't know if I could this if I weren't on vacation. I am afraid of being thinner. Very afraid. It seems cliche to say that my wight protects me from things I don't want to do or see, but alas... it may be the case that I am afraid of looking "better." I've been pretty adament about my critcism of American culture and its latest obseesion with competing with computers. I have to produce, produce, produce. The quality of life here is brutal only by way of working yourself to an earl;y grave, all the while seeming like the most attractive and priviledge person in the world. How to even get to a real quality of life is impossible to figure out. Without complaining, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Last night a few friends and I were discussing the humanities, film and literature. We agreed that somehow the humanities is dying a slow and painful death. We have to get used to a new global and technologically oriented environment. Its so removed from natural law, its hard to understand the virtues of this new era. When you consider the body, it seems more like detoxing is a technological project rather than a human health problem.

This second day seems longer than yesterday already. Writing about this new project seems like it will last a lifetime. Its only another 13 days, but seeing the changes already terrifies me. I got on the scale today and noted that I dropped a poound in one day. It should make me feel successful, but it sweeps me into a fanstastical place; a zone I am afraid to enter. Its easier if I just do this without thinking about it at all, but that would defeat the purpose of the whole project. I want to SEE the whole thing. What is happening to me as I change piece by piece and how much of that change is comfortable, reliable, or devastating. It would be nice to wake up in two weeks when this is all over and see a new body and a new attitude, but that is not what happens, so I want to chronicle failure. Something will succeed, but I am leary to think it will be the thing promised.

I am not aware of the here and now; I am constantly aware of the next hour, tomorrow, next week, and next year. Its already unhealthy.

Day of reckoning

I sometimes think that the only way to get through a "cleansing" is by thinking of the only positive result it will have...weight loss. We're so obsessive over the subject, its the only thing that makes sense when you're undertaking a project that completely lacks any reasoning at all. So, it goes without saying that the first stage of this project is missing and obsessing over the loss of food choices. If I'm going to be physiologically weak, it will be exacerbated by the weakness I impose psychologically over the absence of eggs and cheese. Well, I fought off the temptation to get on the scale this morning. In a fantastical obsession to see rewards for just thinking about doing this project, I hoped to see a weight loss that would be equally irrational.

Last night was crazy. I had an incredible meal made by a friend's mother who travelled to the US from Iran. Her cooking was the perfect "last meal" before the onset of my insanity. I like these terms i use; they are negative with a purpose. I don't want to forget that i don't actually like this project or the act of getting into detoxification. I am merely trying to do this in as objective a fashion as possible, while spitting on the whole American agenda to lose weight and look great. Nevertheless, I am hopeful for an American beautified body that is inconceivable in this culture for a dark skinned woman like myself. I'm working it out.

I had my "elixir" this morning, and last night I read an article by a doctor who seriously rejects the whole process. He supported his attitude with a lot of science; his last word was to count calories. Period. Well, again, i am reticent about this stuff. I want the body, not the process. What's new? It a psychological mind-fuck. With 14 days to go, I am trying to think of how I will pass the time. Time suddenly is an issue. Its very much like a 14 day prison. How do you survive in jail? Will I get use to it? Will I start to like it? Will i be happier doing other things that look like more energy and more production? I'm already getting the feeling that this is going to get bad and really stupid. I'm already thinking I am not going to make it. Not because I can't, but because I hate false promises more than I hate small odds of success. This is already about the feeling of loss. And it already struggles with my position on truth. Philosophically, this health pursuit goes against every cultural lesson I've ever had to learn. Its completely foreign to me. And, my friend told me that it is nearly impossible to change the person that you are. I agree with him.

1:00am

This is the most difficult hour of the day; the evening is when I dream of popcorn and fats. I managed to make it through most of the day and a friend of mine is so encouraging, I am convinced I am doing something right. Still, the headaches and general feeling of malaise haunts me. I don't think I can see the future in this vein. Imagine a life of vegetables and fruits. I don't think so.