On a third day on three hours a meal

Its no big surprise..ok, it is...I have lost a pound and a half. let's face it, its all about recreating something that's gone. I've been thinking about what i looked like when i was in my late twenties. My body was smoking. Before the weight...at 164 pounds, I was really attractive. I want the weight back so i can look at that body again. I realize now that even if i lose the weight i will never have that body back. My breast are hanging, my ass has celulite. I am getting old. My skinn will hang off my arms because I have no musce tone, and almost never did, by the way. And so many stories have piled up about people who will be jealous and unhappy if i am successful at anything, it seems to me I have to get away from all this to like what i have now. The truth is, I look pretty ok now. even at 204.5 pounds. The every three hours rule isn't too bad; and i want to make it to the full 30 pounds off. I also need to go through some other pretty significant changes. I don't know.

A new plan with less resolve

Well, now that I have completed the detox portion of this project, I am now entering the eat healthy but every three hours stage. This one addresses the idea that you will drop weight and feel better and more energetic if you eat every three hours...about 100 - 250 cals/3 meals to 400 calls/ 2 meals. This is more of a calorie counting diet. And I have to admit, on this first day, that before I digested the last meal, I have to eat again, so I am a little leary about it. Although this one doesn't have the constraints my first fourteen days imposed. Supposedly, I'm supposed to drop weight painlessly and in bulk. Hmmm.

I prefer something like this which has only the one promise of weight loss. No promise that the obsession with the concept will make you a happier and more connected human being. The last word on the past few days? Binge! Let's see if I can do two weeks on this idea.

Day 14, 15 and 16

What a rocky end. On the one hand all I wanted to do on the last day of my detox was consume "bad" fat. On the other hand, I couldn't stand the heavy feeling. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the result. I weigh 205.5 now. I am nervous that now that I am off the restrictions, I will be consuming a lot of shit again and gain all the weight. To tell the truth, it is still the only motivation. The heavy feeling, I felt I could get used to again real soon. The health benefits didn't seep in. I had a salad last night more because i think I'll miss the restriction. I don't know. I think I will keep logging my changes until I fully understand its impact; if there is an impact. As for all my other work, well, I am trying to get my diss done along with my reviews. Its all a work in progress. I only have to lose 30 pounds to be where I want to be. The success of the project is countered by the belief that success is not really possible. Its more important for the latter to be true than to believe that I can achieve what i desire. I will have to rethink where and how these ideas developed. Its not merely a fear of disappointment. That is, I can believe that I will be disappointed if the latter is right, so I make the latter the rule. This way I pre-empt the disappointment. The other thing is when people remark that I have lost weight, I think I am uneasy. Its like a premonition to me that I will gain it back and the "glory" will fade, like the results. I don't like it when people notice changes in me. It makes me feel public and under a watchful eye. I like some invisibility. In my own private quarters I can be whatever i choose to be. I can enjoy my own progress and note the fragile and delicate balance that is necessary for the change. I am unesay when people say things to me because my relationship to these comments is old and precarious. In school i was the ugliest thing in the world, by other people's comments. In church I was very attractive and "hot." It all added up to my insanity. I detached from both in a fundamental way and started to seek other things more important and substantive to me. The, "you look great" comment is about the same as the "illlllllll" followed by laughter. I feel very uncomfortable when I am judged for my appearance. That's just another layer.

On day thirteen I had a tub of popcorn; on day fourteen I had ice cream and apple and blueberry crumb dessert; yesterday I had french fries. It seems to me that i won't just give up these splurges, and I wonder how long it will be before they consume all together. Before they become all I eat. We'll just have to see, Today I am feeling japanese, but i am tempted to have the tuna and mayo combo. I am thinking I can have the white rice that rolls are wrapped around, but the soy sauce will inevitably put weight on for tomorrow's measuring and i think that will be my downfall. Once I see the weight go up, I'll conclude that maintaining is pointless. Alas, my conundrum.

Day thirteen - what have I learned?

On this day I am thinking that I have learned to know my body a little better. This morning I woke up and knew what i weighed and how I felt about health. My beliefs about dietary habits has not really changed. I'm not more in tune with eating healthy, I am tired of it. I want a steak, medium rare, as a speak. But I knew when I got on the scale that I would either see 207.5, at best 207. In thirteen days I would say I probably lost something like 4 or 5 pounds if i consider don't count the water weight loss, which I will gain, undoubtedly, after this project is over. Even so, I woke up and realized that I knew when my body felt lighter than the day before. Focusing so heavily on how my body feels got me to realize that maybe my body operates on different beliefs, although they are beliefs I was always in tune with. The dietary thing is still a difficult one for me. I am still very angry, I realize. And I also see the nature of this anger and disappointment. It goes way back. And I will probably never be able to transcend it. My approach is to expect to be disappointed. That reality and my wishes do not correlate. All this to say, I am realizing my own weaknesses in a way i did not attend to them before. Still, five pounds is five pounds.

Day Twelve - More Negative input?

I am suddenly beginning to see the trend of my own speech. In twelve days i have hardly said anything positive, and when there was something positive to say, i put it under a microscope. Its like I don't question the negative aspects, just the positive. That's a good thing. I wanted to see the way my language works with this "diet." I woke up this morning and weighed in at 208. Its not that i thought that this represented the actual weight. i did eat quite a bit of fat yesterday, but rather, i trust the negative more than the positive. the negative tells me where i am destined to go; the positive, where i want to go. I don't trust that what I want is attainable. Interestingly enough, I didn't have even a little elixir yesterday. I guess I got fed up with the mix. So I guess at the end of this project there is an understanding that I may not want success because it would mean that i am wrong about getting the things i want. I generally expect disappointment. There are a lot of reasons for this that go well beyond the physical health issues. I can begin with my childhood, but ultimately, I see things through a rather dark lenses. This is good to know. I have to begin to question my spirit now.

Day Eleven - Almost fell off the block

Today I was fed up; I hardly had any elixir and I almost stopped at a dinner for the "works" before a friend of mine stopped me and forced me into a thai restaurant. She pretty much saved me, but I am running out of steam. I want some kind of protein; eggs or fish will do. To wait until the 14th is absolute murder now. I can not see the options or the benefdits of this diet from here. I slept for three hours at 5:00 just to avoid being awake and looking for a way out of eating whatever the hell i want to eat. There's also the 207. I weighed in this morning and i think that is what this is about. I am more certain that that is what i weigh, but now comes the part where I feel the weight of irrationality. Suddently a little bird is talking a mile a minte about the logic of not cheating just one day when I've been so good the past 10. It also wants to remind that when I stay one just one way of eating, my body gets used to it and it packs on the pounds as soon as I start to have something like a steak or burger; I am sabotagng myself by being this strict (which, by the way, given the stuff I had been consuming like soy coffee, its not that bad). Come to think of it, maybe that's why the craving got so strong. I stopped at Starbucks for a grande cup of soy latte. I am supposed to be strong enough to push the weight loss pass 200. If I lose another 7 pounds, and I don't see how it would hurt to eat a little fish a little early, then I will be under 200. If I can do that, then I MIGHT be able to foresee the extra twenty five pounds that would put me back where I want to be. I am happy to say that my sister looked good when i saw her today, but I don't know where or how the other one is doing.

Day Ten - Weakening on sodium and smoke

Here's the interesting thing: I didn't trust the 207 yesterday; today I'm 208.5. OK, I had chinese food. Just tofu and veggies, but filled with sodium and fat. I was hungry and I came home and had a little more soup, but OMG, I knew it was too much already. Light food, light weight, right? Well, if that wasn't enough, I was dying over the smoke project, too. I am trying to quit. but it feels hopeless. I think I'll visit the doctor today and ask for help. As for the weight thing. I feel my body and I know its panic buttons are when it feels light. I think I'm not meant to be light.